When Sympathy is the Wrong Thing to Give.

Most of her friends had already heard her sad story and by now she had embellished it with a tinge of self pity and drama. The coffee shop wasn’t the ideal place for such a serious conversation, but the busy traffic of morning coffees and bagels did nothing to slow her down. She unfolded the dramatic sequence of events that gave her such heartache and grief. And to end her tale, she added a few tears with a quiver in her voice.

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Sitting on the other side of her tiny table, her audience of one patiently waited for her to finish. Most of her friends who had already heard her stories had left her with nothing more than just a “good talk”. They were polite and conversational, and becuase they were good listeners she regarded them as good friends. At the end of those conversations, sympathies were exchanged with hugs and then, well, life continued as before.

But her listener this morning was not the average coffee shop variety of a friend. Sitting back in his metal chair, he finally said “Can I ask you a question?”. What followed was as gentile as it was firm. Both his questions and his comments seemed to be more concerned with the who she was becoming more than the what she had experienced. His empathy did not feed her self-pity but it did challenge her to move forward.

When they both left for their busy routines, she felt like he had treated her differently than her other friends. And she was right. In her mind, she continued to replay his questions. She couldn’t help but feel inspired by his comments. The more she pondered what he said, the more she believed she could overcome the situation. And those new found beliefs helped her discover better choices, which in the days that followed, changed the course of her life.

Sympathy is not as helpful as most people think

Although sympathy is typically viewed as a positive attribute, it can actually bring with it negative consequences. In certain circumstances, sympathy can do more harm than good for the recipient. It’s absolutely crucial to exercise discretion and give sympathy in measured amounts, just like any other form of giving. Often, the consequences of sympathizing with someone can be more detrimental than the initial situation that sparked the sympathy.

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Rather than automatically sympathizing with others, it’s important to evaluate each situation and consider the potential consequences of our actions. Three situations where sympathy is most harmful are:

1. When Sympathy Reinforces Victimhood: Sympathy can sometimes reinforce a sense of victimhood in the person receiving it, making them feel helpless and powerless. For example, if someone is constantly complaining about their job or their life situation, sympathetic responses may only reinforce their belief that they are a victim of circumstance. In these situations, it may be more helpful to offer support and guidance on how to take action to improve their situation, rather than simply commiserating with them.
2. When Sympathy Disempowers: Similarly, sympathy can sometimes disempower the person receiving it, making them feel as though they are not capable of overcoming their challenges. For example, if someone is struggling with an addiction, sympathetic responses may only reinforce their belief that they are helpless to overcome it. In these situations, it may be more helpful to offer encouragement and support for their efforts to change, rather than simply feeling sorry for them.
3. When Sympathy is Misplaced: There are times when sympathy may be misplaced, and may even be harmful to the person receiving it. For example, if someone has made a poor decision that has led to negative consequences, sympathy may only serve to validate their poor judgment. In these situations, it may be more helpful to offer empathy and understanding for the difficulty of their situation, while also holding them accountable for their choices.

Givers and Takers

There are takers and givers. Takers are those who prioritize their own needs and wants above others, often without any regard for the impact it may have on those around them. On the other hand, givers are those who prioritize the needs of others and are willing to make sacrifices to help others, even if it means putting their own needs on hold. While being a giver may seem like an admirable trait, it can also be dangerous.

There are several clues that someone may be a taker. One clue is that they often talk about their needs and wants, but rarely ask about others or show interest in their lives. They may also consistently take more than they give in a relationship, whether it be in the form of time, attention, or material possessions. Takers may also manipulate or guilt-trip others into giving them what they want, without considering the other person’s feelings or needs. Additionally, takers may be quick to criticize or point out flaws in others, but become defensive or dismissive when the same is done to them. These are just a few examples of behaviors that can indicate someone may be a taker.

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Givers are generally easy to spot because they tend to go out of their way to help others, even if it means sacrificing their own time and resources. They have a genuine desire to make a positive impact on those around them, and often derive great satisfaction from helping others. Givers tend to be empathetic and understanding, and they are willing to lend a listening ear or offer a helping hand whenever it is needed. They are typically selfless and humble, and may even downplay their own contributions to avoid drawing attention to themselves.

A few reason that givers have to be careful with their sympathy are:

1. Exhaustion and Burnout: Making allowances for takers can lead to tiredness and burnout in providers. Takers frequently have insatiable needs and expectations and may exploit givers’ desire to meet them. This can result in physical and mental exhaustion over time, leaving providers feeling exhausted and empty.
2. Resentment: Making allowances for takers can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction in relationships. When takers continually take without offering in return, givers may feel exploited and unloved. This can result in feelings of rage, irritation, and even resentment, straining relationships and causing conflict.
3. Imbalance: Accommodating takers might lead to relational imbalance and injustice. When one person is always giving while the other is always taking, it can lead to conflict.It has the potential to result in an unbalanced allocation of resources and energy. This can result in sentiments of inequity and unfairness, eroding trust and closeness in relationships.
4. Encourages Negative Behavior: Negative behaviour in partnerships can be enabled by accommodating takers. Takers who are continually accommodated and have their wants satisfied may grow dependent on others for their own well-being. This can result in a lack of personal responsibility and accountability, as well as the maintenance of bad habits.

One of the main characteristics of takers is their insatiable desire to receive without reciprocation. No matter how much a giver gives, a taker will always insist on getting more. Unfortunately, this means that when a giver can no longer give, takers will often be ungrateful and feel entitled to receive even more. It’s important for givers to set boundaries and avoid enabling takers’ behavior. While it’s natural to want to help others, it’s equally important to make sure that our giving is appreciated and not taken for granted.

Three Things to Do Instead of Giving Sympathy

It’s tough to watch someone we care about going through a difficult time. It can be painful to see someone we love struggle with illness, heartbreak, or any other type of hardship. We may feel helpless, as if there’s nothing we can do to make things better. It’s normal to want to take away their pain, but unfortunately, we can’t always fix everything. All we can do is be there for them, support them, and offer a listening ear. It’s important to remember that being there for someone is often enough, even if we can’t make their problems disappear.

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When someone we care about is suffering, our first instinct may be to offer sympathy. However, it’s important to be careful about how we express our concern. While it’s okay to want to help, offering sympathy can sometimes do more damage than good. Instead, we can help in other ways such as actively listening, offering practical solutions or providing emotional support. Helping may mean being more concerned with who the person is becoming instead of what the person has gone through. Here are three things that can be more helpful:

1. Offer Empathy: Unlike sympathy, which involves acknowledging someone’s pain without necessarily understanding it, empathy is about truly putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. When you offer empathy, you’re showing that you understand how the other person is feeling and that you’re there to support them. You can do this by saying things like, “I can only imagine how hard this must be for you” or “It sounds like you’re really struggling right now.”
2. Provide Practical Support: Sometimes the best thing we can do for someone is to offer practical support. This can involve things like helping with household chores, providing meals, or taking care of their kids while they deal with their situation. Practical support can be incredibly helpful because it takes some of the burden off the person who’s going through a difficult time.
3. Be Present: Finally, sometimes the best thing we can do is simply be present for the other person. This means being available to listen to them when they want to talk, or just sitting with them in silence if that’s what they need. It’s important to let the other person lead the way and determine what they need from us in the moment.

Change course and start doing the right thing

Not too long ago I got a telephone call from an adult daughter of a family friend. Her voice was trembling as she emotionally accused “How can you be so indeferent to my father’s situation?”.

“How can you even consider yourself to be a friend?”. Her words hurt to hear and I was tempted to cave and offer an apology along with a heavy dose of sympathy. But I didn’t. I just reminded her that her father was ok and that the family should focus on moving forward.

This family had over the last 18 years received all sort of help from me and my wife. Countless times, the father had been to our home, receiving moral support and loving friendship. When his marriage was at stake, we paid for him to go for a week of treatment away from home. Often unemployed the daughter frequently received helped from us. Even my in-laws had gotten finacially involved. Almost weekly, in way or other, my wife and I contributed to helping this family.

I now regret it.

The default culture of this family that we tried to help for so many years was a culture of victimhood. By feeding the flames of their feelings that life was unjust to them, we had actually contributed to weakening them. Their ability to face adversity was lost when they unconsciously began to feed their emotions with victimhood. And my “strong support” of sympathy was one factor that enabled them to do so.

Don’t fall for the sympathy trap. Be the one that helps, be a giver. But be intellegent.

Have you someone in your family, or a close freind, that suffers from victimhood? Would you be courageous enough to share about it in the commits?